Is it True?

Do you catch yourself talking to yourself in negative destructive ways? 

Are you saying any of the following or similar things to yourself?

“I can’t”

“I’m so stupid”

“I always say/do dumb things”

Claire has already mentioned a really powerful question to ask: “Is it useful?” 

Clearly these are not useful things to be saying to yourself and there’s also another question that you can ask: “Is it true?”

Sometimes people who are really good at beating themselves up will respond with “Yes, its not useful, but it’s true!” But I would them challenge them to really look at that statement.  If we ask “Is it really true?” we can really start to look at things in more useful ways.

Saying “I’m a stupid person’ is suggesting that you are always this way, that you were born stupid and can never change. Looking at things in this way undermines the argument that “It is true”. 

We then need to look for and find evidence that challenges that belief, for instance remembering a time when we handled a situation in a resourceful way, or handled a tricky situation calmly.

We also need to be able to distinguish between the person and the behaviour. I can recognise that I might sometimes do things that are a bit daft, but that does not make me a stupid person, it’s a comment on how I perceive my behaviour.

It is also useful to remind ourselves that we all make mistakes: no one on the planet is perfect!

Simon Pimenta

What is stress?

The Health and Safety Executive (HSE) define stress as "the adverse reaction people have to excessive pressures or other types of demand placed on them". 

Don't confuse positive pressure, which can create a 'buzz', and the harmful effects of pressure that is beyond a person's ability to cope.

Why do people talk about stress so much today?
There is a growing awareness of the importance of health and safety and recognition that healthy employees make a greater contribution to a business. People are more aware of the harmful effects of stress in workplaces but it is not new...

Why do we need to tackle stress?
Stress is costly, especially for small firms where cover for sick employees is difficult to arrange. Stress can reduce the effectiveness of employees and lead to higher rates of absence. Research estimates that 12.8 million working days were lost to stress, depression and anxiety in 2004/5. Each new case of stress leads to an average of 29 days off work. Work-related stress costs society about £3.7 billion every year (at 1995/6 prices).

Work-related stress is widespread. About 1 in 5 people in a stress study said that they found their work either very stressful or extremely stressful.

What form does stress take?
Work-related stress is not an illness but it can contribute to problems with ill health. As well as anxiety and depression, stress has been associated with heart disease, back pain and gastrointestinal illnesses.” 
http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=815 

Kate Gare

Stress, happiness, being present and love - opposites

Opposites
A number of things have shown up recently that have made me reconsider what are classically considered to be opposites.

Short is clearly opposite to tall, high to low, hot to cold; but I'm not sure now that sad is the natural opposite of happiness, or anxiety the opposite of calm, or hate the opposite of love.  Try these new opposites out and see what you think.

Happiness
It seems to me that stress is actually the opposite of happiness. When we are stressed we cannot be happy. Linked to this is the recognition that anxiety is actually the opposite of being present to the moment. When we are happy we are immersed in the moment; when we are stressed or anxious our natural focus is not on the now but on the multiple possibilities of what bad things can happen in the future. 

Recognising that stress and happiness, and anxiety and being present are opposites and can't coexist, is quite useful as it informs us better as to what we need to do to be happier and more present. Using the old opposites of 'sad' and 'not present' give us less useful and clear information as to what we need to do to resolve how we are feeling.

Love

Love can be described as the ability to focus on the good things about someone, or something, else. When people first date they are massively forgiving and compassionate of each other's little flaws and foibles, finding them 'cute' and attractive. Love starts to fade when people focus up on the flaws as problems, difficulties and issues. So possibly the opposite of love is focusing on what is wrong or 'doubting'. Certainly any relationship can not exist without shared trust, and if you doubt your partner's honesty, commitment and shared values, or find yourself doubting your own commitment to them then this can very soon turn into a destructive spiral where all your thoughts are focused on those destabilising ways of thinking. Another layer of doubt can then be added, where you doubt the relationship just because you notice yourself being doubtful about it, people will often use the phrase to themselves 'well, if there wasn't anything to be doubtful about them why would I be doubting it'. 

Again this is quite useful in that if the opposite of love is doubt then if we want to rekindle love in a relationship we need to stop being overcritical, searching for perfection and start to trust ourselves again.

Phil Parker

Inspired Leadership

Many years ago I worked on a summer camp in the USA.  The camp was run by Morry and Amy Stein.  Morry was an amazing guy.  Not only was he a smart businessman, but he was also an inspiring leader.  The camp had around 500 children and a sizeable number of staff.  I got the impression that he knew everyone by their first name, and the ethos of the camp was very positive; encouraging everyone to have a go at things, even if you fell flat on your face.  It was in this spirit that I found myself dressed in drag in a lime green and chocolate polka dot 2 piece outfit and heels, singing a number at a show review in front of the entire camp.  Morry had the ability to make you do things that you didn’t think possible!

Whilst I am not suggesting that getting your staff to dress in drag is the secret to success in business, believing that your staff can surpass their own expectations enhances performance.

Simon Pimenta

Burnout and Phil Parker's P4

Dû - The Power of Language

Language is the architecture of our thoughts, dreams, aspirations and communication, and by learning to use it in a way that is powerful we can start to open up new options that we never realised we had.  

Find out more about 'dû', a new word developed by Phil Parker at www.duing.org and start to allow yourself the option for better choices by understanding the power of language and how you can make it work for you. 

Helen Harding

1 minute to... Love Yourself

Loving yourself
For those of you who are familiar and comfortable with the idea of loving yourself, the state of not loving yourself might seem like a foreign land that you'd have to be crazy to visit.  This is not a perception built on judgement but based on a recognition that no other starting point, other than loving yourself, is a useful and easy route to happiness.

So how do we encourage the state of loving yourself?

Perfectionism
At the root of many people's lack of self-love is a desire to attain perfection. There are two problems will this: firstly perfection is never actually achievable, as no matter how perfect the result, we are always left will the sense that it could have been a little better. 

And secondly to be perfect is to be 'God' like, and if you're human then you will never achieve this; trying then to achieve the unachievable, and then being disappointed, and beating yourself up for this flaw, is a recipe for unhappiness.

Solutions
Remedy this by starting to be compassionate and forgiving to yourself, especially in those times when you failed to meet your own high expectations. Instead remind yourself that you are not a god and it's okay to get things wrong. If you find yourself arguing this point with yourself, again be kind to yourself for the fact that you're arguing about it. Showing yourself this kind of limitless compassion is the only steps you need to take to achieving a sense of loving yourself.

Happiness
Happiness itself does not come from outside sources; perfectionists know this, as when they are complemented authentically by others it doesn't really make them feel good about what they've done. Only you can truly make yourself happy; loving yourself is the first step. Interestingly loving yourself is not only the first step to happiness, it also seems to be a first step towards wholeness, which is essential for health.

Phil Parker

Conflict Management Tips

In order to deal with conflict effectively, consider the following tips:

1. Ask the other person ‘Are you interested in resolving this conflict?’ If they are not willing to discuss the issue, you can suggest that you are willing to discuss it further when they are ready. Approaching the situation in this way puts the ball in their court, and encourages them to consider whether they are resistant or ready to discuss the issue.

2. Take turns to describe the conflict. Whilst each person is speaking, the other person listens respectfully, avoiding facial expressions that are hostile.

3. Avoid making accusations, for instance ‘You are being difficult’. Instead refer to their behaviour, for example ‘When you are standing by my desk talking on your mobile phone, I find it difficult to concentrate on my work’.

4. Make the discussion as specific as possible. Describe what happened in an objective way. So rather than saying ‘You were late for the meeting’, you could say ‘The meeting started at 10am, you arrived at 10.15am’. The sentence ‘You were late’ implies that the other person was in the wrong, whereas the second sentence is a statement of facts.

5. Be open to feedback, and open to reflecting on your own behaviour. Sometimes we can be talking in a certain way or adopting a posture, that others react to negatively, without even realising it.

6. Work towards finding a solution or agreement. If you cannot achieve this, you may have to respectfully agree to disagree.

Simon Pimenta

Being Perfect

‘Trying to be perfect may be inevitable for people who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and its good opinion... what is really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning to work of becoming yourself’ Anna Quindlen from her book ‘Being Perfect’ published by Random House (2005)

Through my coaching, training and therapeutic work I have supported many people to stop being who others expect them to be and doing what others expect them to do and the shift in their happiness, health and personal success has been amazing to see. Phil Parker’s 10 Questions is a great place to start.

Kate Gare

How to Win!

Is there something you really want to achieve this year? Perhaps it's a new job or that promotion? These are examples of where it's necessary for us to dig deep inside ourselves and focus on winning. So here are some useful tips on how to be a winner:

Gold Medal Mindset

Commit to what you want to win and imagine yourself having already achieved this. Make this movie/picture in your mind as detailed as you possibly can. For example, if you want to win that promotion visualise yourself in detail being given the job, your new office, all the congratulations you will hear etc.

Role Models

Seek out those who have achieved what you want. How did they win? What set them apart from the competition? This information will give you the upper hand and help you to formulate an effective strategy.

Bottle Success

Winning feels fantastic doesn't it? Did you know that you can actually bottle success and use it to fuel more wins? Find out how at http://www.p4training.com

Claire Brooker